27 April 2010

doves are assholes.

it sounds really sweet and poetic when someone says that a dove is nesting on their porch. really. imagine waking up to the gentle, melodic coo of a bird that symbolizes peace and beauty. when i first saw the dove, i thought, "oh, that must be a positive omen. good energy. we're doing something right in this house."

the problem with this idealistic notion is that doves are assholes.

every time we try to leave or enter the house from the front porch, we face a pretty good chance that the dove will do a crazed, renegade fly-over - flapping at our heads with its evil wings and possibly pecking up a little of our hair in the process! doesn't sound much like the pure white fowl that carried an olive branch into the new world for noah, does it? now, this dove has had a chip on its feathery shoulder ever since a stray cat crawled up to its nest and killed its first batch of eggs. but that's not OUR fault. we felt bad for the damn thing. oh, she went away for a while. but now the bitch is back, and apparently out for blood. nobody in our little midtown tulsa home is safe!

my three-year-old daughter suddenly has a fear of birds. any birds. she thinks they will peck her head. why? because this seemingly sweet, cooing, piece of shit dove, DID try to peck her head! don't birds know that toddlers rank WAY HIGHER than them on the cuteness scale, and that this testimonial has the potential to vilify them forever? JUST WAIT TILL OPRAH READS THIS, YOU FANCIED-UP PIGEON! you're DONE for.

this feathered fiend has riddled with anxiety the hearts of everyone living in our house, and quite a few of our friends and family members. i've noticed that several people no longer come to our front door. why? scared of the damn dove. my roomie just walked into the house, from the SIDE door, frazzled and distraught because the dove attacked her as she fished her keys out of her purse and tried to shit on her head! that's just rude!

ok, so the dove's protective of her eggs. big deal. this B.W.A. (bird with attitude) has NO RIGHT to take out its vengeance over lost babies on US! go find the cat who had munched up your babies, since you're such a bad-ass!

i'll tell you what else, turd bird. you're not the only one around here protective of her eggs. and if you attack my child's head ONE MORE TIME, i'm gonna add a little scientific research to the prince song lyric and find out EXACTLY what it sounds like "when doves cry."

fuck doves!


  1. Part of me, weirdly, ODDLY, feels sad for the birdie. I mean, think about it, she's going through her 5 stages of grief, she DID just lose her babies. At first she was in:
    DENIAL. She wasn't bothering y'all, just sittin on her nest as if she was still warming them babies. "Yeah, I need to warm my babies," she says to herself. She then, eventually realizes that, THE CAT ATE THEM and so NOW she's....
    ANGRY. oh, and suspicious, which is why anyone within a 9-foot radius of her feels the heat (ooooOOOOoooo). Yeah, after this point, Kubler-Ross can kiss my non-bargaining ass cause it's a BIRD and I think you should just destroy the nest. Take a BB gun, and bust a cap in Beaky-E and I'm sure her lil B.W.A will fly away right along with her. After these days, I'm SURE she'd go back to singing and performing at weddings. [/enddryhumor]

    "Evil will flock to where it has a home" (this should be patented I SWEAR!) LMAO. But seriously, destroy the nest Emmie.


  2. ok, i am SO MAD @ "beaky-e." that's just ... not even necessary. lol!